A Testimony of Emotional & Spiritual Healing

Source: Anonymous

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor . . . He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, . . . (Luke 4:18)

There are so many things in my life that I have to ask God, “Why?”.  “Why me?”  “Why did you allow this to happen to me? To anyone?”.  And then I have to ask God, “Where were you when it was happening?”.  These questions are just some of the main ones that eat me alive every time I think of what happened to me.  They are questions that I crave answering.  So through this message series God has been gracious enough to provide some answers at a time when I am finally ready to hear them.

 

In this series called “Waiting” it addresses the validity of this idea of waiting in the Bible.  But more so it gives a name and a description to what I could honestly say has been my entire life.  My whole life I have been waiting.  Waiting on answers from God.  Waiting on God to give me my heart’s desire.  Waiting for deliverance from the injustices I felt I was handed.  Waiting on relief from the guilt I felt my whole life.  Waiting to feel loved…to feel valued… to feel like there was more purpose to my life than just pain.

 

Its true that in waiting for anything we get bitter, angry, sad, depressed, and discouraged.  I would even go as far to say that there have been definite moments of despair.  I definitely as an adult have fallen into the category of being the one to walk away from God because of all the unanswered questions or because of my unwillingness to accept the answers I have gotten because they didn’t fit my desires or my world/culture view of what was acceptable.  People who walk away from God tend to feel abandoned, hurt by God, feel like God never acted. This is true of my beliefs.  I was once vibrant for God…no questions asked. But it was at a time in my life when I was in denial about what had happened to me.  I got to a point where I turned inward and I chose to just trust myself and no one else around me…especially God.  Waiting up until now has been me wanting everything I have dreamed in life….waiting for all the answers and results I am wanting to see and hear.  All of it was focused on what I wanted. Me.

 

The best way I can unpack any of this is to describe what I have believed my whole life….what my culture has taught me or deceived me into believing.

 

As a result of what my parents taught me, my church in this culture led me to believe, and this American culture has deceived me to demand—I spent the better part of my childhood dreaming of a beautiful wedding to a man that was tall, dark, and handsome…one that loved God, one that could provide for me so I could fill what I thought my life long calling was to be- a mom and a wife.  I dreamed of having children- twins…adopting…participating in foster care.  Four children was always the magic number in my head.  I dreamed of growing old with my partner, owning a home, being able to pay my bills, and feed my family.  I would be the class parent…the team mom.  I would home school my kids if possible.  I would give my kids the perfect childhood…from baseball games to theater productions and learning instruments.  I would raise them to love God. I would have the house with the amazing fall decorations… or the adorable Easter decorations…and the house decked out for Christmas.  This was my picture.  This is what I felt entitled to.  This was my picture…perfectly framed…no idea or concept that this isn’t what I deserved or wasn’t entitled to.  Keep this picture in your mind as I unpack the rest.

 

This American culture is just what I described above.  The culture gives us the RIGHT to persue happiness.  Because of this you learn to say “How dare anyone come in between me and my right to happiness!”…even if it was God.  How dare He not fulfill my dreams that equal happiness to me?  What I really needed to realize (and it has taken me this long to not just realize but understand and apply it to my heart)…………….I needed to realize that in a culture where I have been taught to focus on me…and I don’t mean I wasn’t taught to focus on others… I was… serving the downtrodden… serving and protecting the orphans, taking care of the widows… I do that daily.  But I need to take the ME out of my picture of happiness and start asking God about what His picture is for me to serve His purpose and change my picture all together.  Because now I have a new question… “Who am I?”

 

I came into this world with nothing and I will leave the world the same way.  That really means that everything that I have or obtained or accomplished when it comes to material things— they are meaningless.  Now stop the show… duh!  We all know that right!?  Old news!  But is it?  Can I be content with nothing more than what I need.  Can I be okay if God gives me nothing more than food and clothing?  Not a nice house?  Not a nice car?  Wow.  Clothes and food.

 

Go back to my picture….how much of my picture was above the line of food and clothing?  My heart stopped….absolutely everyting.  Even my children.  Even my relationships.  There is nothing in my picture that I have a right to in God’s eyes.  Everything that I felt entitled to, or that I had earned… none of it was mine.  None of it belonged to me or was promised to me.  NONE.  Now go through the list of how much of my picture actually manifested.  Beautiful wedding (check), tall-dark-and-handsome (eh?)  (check),  one that loves God (I thought so at the time so, check), could he provide and allow me to stay home (check), kids, adopting, foster care (check, check, check), own a house (check), decorated house (at times, check), afford my life (never have gone without, check), kids playing sports, theater productions, and instruments (check, check, check).  What’s left?  What did I go without?  Not a whole lot…Now we have covered the present and future picture.  What about the other part of my life that I was never allowed to dream about…my past…my childhood?

 

If I look at my childhood it looked nothing like my picture for the childhood of my children.  I didn’t go into great detail in my picture but obviously I wanted loving parents and loving people in my children’s lives that love them, protect them, and encourage them to grow up, love God, and be successful – whatever that means.  I want that for them… and if I could have picked a childhood for myself I would have wanted the same.   Given my childhood I can honestly say that one of my hearts greatest desires was for a mother who believed me, loved me, and wanted to take care of me and a father that found value in me, wanted to protect me, and wanted nothing more than to keep me safe.   I wanted the perfect childhood.  And I guess you could say I had that on the surface.  Everyone thought I had that.  I tried to believe that to the point of being in absolute denial.  I remember once telling my friends in middle school that I had no problems…my family was the Brady Bunch. Ha!  I wanted to believe that.  Instead the picture of my childhood framed things like incest, pimping me to my uncle, sex, rape, molestation, secrets, lies and so on…  all before the age of 9.  Not such a pretty picture.

 

What does culture tell us that we deserve as children?  Baseball? Ballet lessons? Games…toys… a mom and a dad…or now in this day and age just someone who takes responsibility to love us and raise us.  We deserve our own house our own bike… clothes…  Foster care rules say that kids are entitled to not share a room with the opposite gender, a space of our own and a dresser to hold our things.  On the more important side culture has taught us to expect safety, love, protection, responsibility free… the right to “just be a kid”.  Oh, and there has got to be fun!

 

To my knowledge God doesn’t ever outline what is required for childhood.  He doesn’t ever say children must have so many square feet to call their own, or a gender-same environment.  He doesn’t really even say that we are entitled to love or safety really.  He does address parents in what they should provide….but he never promises it to any child that is ever born.  As many things, what we get sometimes relies on whether or not the people charged to provide it are responsible and deliver…or are obedient to God.  Take a minute to absorb that.

 

My entire life I have waited for the questions of “why?” to be answered.  And it all boils down to not “Why?”— but “who am I?”

 

As much as culture has fed us the lies that we are RIGHTED with happiness as adults or even that as children that we are entitled to anything in this life is a lie that Satan himself has covered with honey and fed us on a silver spoon.

 

Here’s the truth on the sensitive stuff…

 

No matter what culture has lied to me about…as wrong as it may sound to the voice of our spirit of social injustice…. no matter how innocent we are when we are born (even though we are born sinners), no matter how precious, tiny, and defenseless we are…God never promised us safety.  God never promised us parents who love us.  He never promised me a father who would protect me and guard me.  I never had a right to not be raped as a 6 year old.  I never had a right to not be pimped to my uncle at 9.  I never was entitled to that kind of safety– even though those things happening were wrong.  I came into this world….A FALLEN WORLD… who am I that I was deserving of anything…even safety.  God never wronged me.  He did not hand me to a father who was a rapist.  He DID hand me to a father who was told to raise me, love me, protect me…but that father chose not to.  And the results of that were nothing that God wanted for me….but He also never promised it wouldn’t happen.

 

This was a very jagged pill for me to swallow.  To swallow the idea that God did not promise me safety as a child….it seems irresponsible…but our ways are not His ways and our culture is not His…and there are reasons why He did not promise things that would take away our ability to have free-will, and take away our ability to bring Glory to God.   If God had promised me safety, it would have taken away my father’s free-will…. his ability to choose to molest me or not….and if He took away that free-will (no matter how good of an idea that seems to us) then He would be removing all free-will….including our free-will to love God and bring glory to Him…and we would be nothing but soulless robots.

 

So…my picture of my future… and my idea of what should have been for my childhood… who am I to ever think that I deserved any of it.  And if I am incredibly honest, when it comes to all the things I hoped for in my picture…. There weren’t a whole lot of things that God wasn’t incredibly generous in providing even if they didn’t last forever, even if they cause pain and disappointment some times, and even if they drive me crazy.  And since I didn’t deserve any of those things that God gave me– I was entitled to none of it…it means they were all gifts. My children, my home, my relationships, all those things….they are all gifts that God gave me and gifts I can respond to with nothing but unending thankfulness.

 

Considering that I have so so so many gifts to be thankful for and yet I still sit here waiting in discontentment…still struggle with disappointment, still struggle with sadness it only proves that I am not where I need to be with God.  I need to find contentment within God and God only because I will never find peace to my discontentment and joy to my disappointment and sadness outside of Christ.

 

‘Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus….I need instead of turning inward to myself… to turn upward and put my absolute trust in God.  I need to take every step going forward knowing that I was not created to discover that it’s all about me.  I was created to be attached to the creator and bring Glory to Him.

 

The other question I have been in waiting for was, “Where was God when it all happened?  Where is he while I am suffering now because of what happened?”  So what is the answer to that? Did he enjoy the show?  Did he cry? Did he care?

 

My whole life I have heard the story of Jesus walking on water in the storm with the Disciples.  So what?  What did that have to do with me?  I mean sure- great story.  I am glad that Jesus was there for the disciples.  But what does that have to do with me?  I wasn’t in that boat.  Where was God when I was being raped…being touched and hurt?

 

Good church girl I am not, apparently.  Good Bible College student…I am not, apparently. “Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  Praise him, all creatures here below.  Praise him above, ye heavenly host.  Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost.”  “In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God.”  “If you love me, keep my commandments. I will ask the Father to give you another Helper, to be with you always.”….. I am so stupid.  The answer has been with me the whole time. We spend so much time separating the three God-heads and learning about the attributes and character of each we often…or at least I often forget to think of them as one again.   The helper, the spirit is WITH ME always.  God was not MIA. God is the spirit. Jesus is the spirit.  And the spirit is with me always.   That means during the rape, during the molestation, the sex, the incest…. All of it.  GOD WAS WITH ME.  And because the Bible in COUNTLESS ways expresses God’s love, Christ’s love, the Spirit’s love for me – and if love is what the Bible says it is…. Then as God was with me on that bathroom floor so many years ago… even though he never promised to protect me…never promised me all thing things the world lied to me about…He cried with me…He hurt with me… He did not enjoy the show… but out of my father’s disobedience He was grieved by what happened to me and grieved at the fact that in order to keep His sovereign plan He could not stop it but only promise to love me and be WITH me.  Before when the picture was about ME my answer would have been something like “Was it worth it?  Was I worth it?  To sacrifice me for His own glory?”  But now…with painting a new picture my questions are different from those.   He was WITH me.  Me.  “Who am I?” is something that I asked before with reference to the fact that He has gifted me with so much that I don’t deserve.  And although my question is the same that I asked earlier . . . but now I ask it in a totally different tone . . . “Who am I?”

 

I think of a song that has always resonated with me . . . but to be honest until now I never understood why I have loved it so much.  Now . . . it really is my hearts song:

 

Over time you’ve healed so much in me
And I am living proof
That although my darkest hour had come
Your light could still shine through
And though at times it’s just enough to cast
A shadow on the wall
Well, I am grateful that you shine your light on me at all

 

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?

 

Well, amazing grace how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind, but now I see
And the more I sing that sweet old song the more I understand
That I do not comprehend this love that’s coming from your hand

 

Who am I that you would love me so gently?
Who am I that you would recognize my name?
Lord, who am I that you would speak to me so softly
Conversation with the love most high
Who am I?

 

All of this comes back to one thing…the cross.  What happened that day on the cross, and what happened three days later. Because without Jesus getting up on the third day…life has no meaning.  Pictures we hope for have no meaning.  Promises or lack there of have no meaning.  God gave me the ability to suffer so I would have the ability to look up above the world and realize that I was made for something greater.  No matter how many times in my life that I have felt like my only purpose was to be my father’s play thing…to be hurt, destroyed, and dismantled from the inside out….really God allowed me to go through all of that to realize that he has so much more for me…a greater purpose.  To bring Him glory.   God is going to bring all my sufferings…. Not some…not a couple…but ALL my sufferings together for good.

 

Now I slowly dismantle all the pictures and expectations I had of my past and my future…and even my present my only thoughts and prayers can be “More of Him and less of me”.  The next time I paint a picture I want it to more of Him and less of me.  I want every brush stroke to give way to the promises He does make to me.  So that way when I am waiting…what I am waiting for is truly worth it.  Because outside of Christ– nothing is worth waiting for.  I want to get to the point that it no longer matters what I feel I am waiting for but that I am content in waiting in Christ.  Great is thy faithfulness– no matter how bad I mess up.  And true to His faithfulness, He has now, as I am an adult, gifted me with a chosen mom who loves me, and believes in me.  And he has given me a chosen father who loves me, protects me, and wants to keep me safe in you.  I may not have gotten the childhood that I THOUGHT I was entitled to.  But God was faithful and gave me the desires of my heart and allowed me the gift I wanted most from my childhood by making me a new part of a chosen family.  And I just ask, “Who Am I?”

 

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